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Monday, 1 February 2010, 01:13
My 200th Post.



I think it just boils down to this, somehow. I don't know what I'm doing. Someone once mused about relationships, about how fickle they are. Like him, I feel that relationships are very tricky matters. Sometimes you don't know when to let go, some other times you just don't know when to hold back. I am not good with such sticky issues. I suppose that's why most of my relationships are in shambles. The worse thing about me is that I do not take the first step in reconstructing things. The procrastinator in me, perhaps. Or maybe it's just the fears that I have in me. As I look back at all the relationships I've had with people, I realise they seem to always end together with the school term. For friends that I've made outside school, I almost never meet them. It scares me that my relationships have to be so.

Or do they have to be so? I don't know what the reasons are. I like to attribute it to external factors - i.e. things that are out of my control. But is it? Or is it simply the escapist in me trying to escape from all the blame? I really don't know. To be honest, I hate that side of me. Sometimes I wonder if I can survive without relationships. Often I feel that someone like me isn't fit to have anyone around. But really, who is it that can really judge me? I don't know. Everyone above, I suppose. The Greater Beings on top of us. But how can they tell me? I will not simply listen to any party A, B or C about what they think of me.

It's been a crazy month. I wonder how has 2010 been for everyone. I certainly don't like how it has been. Thinking about all the relationships I've had, I somehow conclude that fast relationships are the most fragile. At the end of the day, I think I just don't know what I'm doing, and I'm scared as hell about the outcomes.

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